I tried breastfeeding, but formula feeding is just better for us

During my first pregnancy in 2017

I was certain that I wanted to breastfeed. I thought I knew enough about it and was ready to go for it. Unfortunately, things turned out differently than expected. I didn't come out of childbirth in good shape, and my milk production didn't start well. Moreover, latching on was incredibly painful, and within a day I was already suffering from cracked nipples. Eventually, we spent about 1.5 hours per feeding with all sorts of gadgets, and I stopped breastfeeding during the first week postpartum. I was really sad about this and felt like I had failed as a mother. Even though my daughter was doing great on the bottle and was growing well, it took months before I could talk about not breastfeeding anymore without tears in my eyes.

When I was pregnant for the second time last year, I wanted to breastfeed again. But I now realized that formula feeding is a perfectly good alternative. Still, I couldn't shake the feeling of disappointment that it hadn't worked out the first time. That's why I booked a consultation with the lactation consultant who had helped me during the postnatal week. Together we discussed what had gone wrong and concluded that it had been an unfortunate combination of circumstances. Following this conversation, I created a breastfeeding plan to add to my birth plan. In it, I clearly stated that there is also a limit to how far I am willing to go. I know that starting breastfeeding takes time, but this time I didn't want to push myself to the extreme.

On July 10, 2019

Evi was born after a beautiful and peaceful home birth. Right after the birth, she breastfed immediately. The next day, feeding went well although latching on started to hurt again. Two days after the birth, it turned out she had lost too much weight and we had to start supplementing. The maternity nurse called the midwife who suggested starting with supplementation, because 'Melanie is not so into pumping'. It wasn't that bad! So I sent my partner out to rent a pump again. By the way, it's highly recommended to rent a professional breast pump during the maternity week so you don't have to spend hundreds of euros right away. No sooner said than done, and there I was, diligently pumping every three hours in my chair in the bedroom. This time the production did increase and I found it okay to do. However, latching on remained painful and severe cracks started to appear. I still had cooling breast pads at home and I wore them 24/7 for two weeks, because even clothing and showering were painful. During feeding, I had to be careful, because if Evi hit my breast with her little hands, the pain was unbearable. This was not the intention, so on Saturday we called the lactation consultant again. Unfortunately, she could only come on Monday morning and advised to only pump and not to latch on during the weekend. By now, I was also starting to get deep cracks from all the pumping. After the consultation, latching on went better, and I managed to use nipple shields (what a word...). Evi also started to grow properly again and we no longer needed to supplement with formula. I was proud that I finally managed to exclusively breastfeed. But soon the pain during latching on returned and I began to dread each feeding more and more. I also felt guilty that I couldn't latch her on every time she was upset, because the cracks would reopen. The thought of stopping started to occur more frequently. I did enjoy seeing her drink contentedly. Somehow, it also gave me a constricting feeling that I was the only one who could feed her. In addition, it made me insecure not knowing how much she drank and whether it was enough for her. With a bottle, you have a better view of this.

At the end of the maternity week, the cracks had not yet healed and latching on remained painful. I also felt tired and listless, but I attributed this to the sleepless nights. When I hadn't come out of the bedroom for two days on day 10, I decided to step on the scale. It turned out I had lost 10 kilos since giving birth. In total, I had gained 15 kilos, so my pregnancy weight was dropping off quickly. Since I am naturally slim and was approaching 50 kilos, I consulted with the lactation consultant. She advised me to call the doctor for a blood test. The first thing the assistant said was: "Well, I think many women will be jealous of you! Almost lost your pregnancy weight." I am one of the few women who was actually happy to have gained some weight, so this remark did hurt a bit. In the end, I had to wait and see and eat even more.

I continued to feel so weak and breastfeeding was so demanding that I had reached my limit. Yet, I kept postponing the decision to stop. I did notice that my daughter wasn't alert between feedings. We weighed her ourselves and she had lost weight again. I wanted to stop, but didn't dare to, so I called the lactation consultant again. Since she didn't answer, I also called the breastfeeding line of the maternity care organization. They both called back one after the other with the same advice: Stop breastfeeding, because this way you can't take care of both your children. I had two options: wean using a breast pump or latch on when the pressure became too much. I chose the latter. However, the feeding times did not align well with my engorgement. I watched some of my precious milk go down the drain because I had already returned the pump. Eventually, my nipples also became infected, which meant I had to apply antibiotic ointment for a while. Fortunately, it didn't turn into mastitis. Also, day by day I started to regain more energy.

Two weeks later

We had our first appointment at the child health clinic and Evi had gained weight nicely again. I shared my story and the doctor responded with: “Well, then your body isn't made for breastfeeding”. Two years ago, I would have had to cry very hard about this. But now I could smile and agree that maybe that was true. For us, stopping breastfeeding was a good choice. I regret that it didn't work out again. But I tried and it literally cost me blood, sweat, and tears. In the end, formula feeding is just better for us and I stand 100% behind this choice. And it's also nice that I can easily spend a day away and also wear everything from my non-breastfeeding-friendly wardrobe again.

Evi is now just over five months old and is growing exactly along the blue growth curve of the Child Health Clinic. She is a delightful, cheerful, and content baby.

MELANIE