Papa Clenn: the loss of my daughter has changed me
I am Clenn, husband of Ilja and father of Emma*. I am 30 years old and a barber. From time to time, I will share my experiences about the loss of our daughter who was seriously ill. How I experience having a wife who is now pregnant with our second daughter. How do I deal with a wife full of hormones in combination with the loss?
Well, where do I start with this blog? So much has happened in three years that I actually don't know. Let me start with the fact that it is generally expected for the man in a family to be the pillar of strength. Someone who can be relied upon and who the whole family can fall back on. That's the case with us too. I've had to fight for Emma and Ilja for three years. With Emma's illness, in the hospital, at work, and also keeping people satisfied outside of that. I must say, it went naturally. I spent nights in the hospital to comfort Emma and support Ilja. Around 5 a.m., I would go home and had to leave my two girls in the hospital. At 7 a.m., the alarm went off again and I had to go to work. You might ask; 'Why do you go to work?' Your little girl is in the hospital! Believe me, I would have much preferred to stay, but when your daughter is in the hospital every three days, you just can't stay every time. Unfortunately, there is no boss who would allow that. So, I had to divide my time very well. I often went to the hospital during my break to see how things were going there. Often I found Ilja completely worn out, tired from staying up all night and not being able to sleep in a hospital. Sometimes I was frustrated by that, then I thought: 'Come on, put your shoulders to the wheel and get on with it.' But I knew damn well that doesn't work when your child is lying there in the hospital bed.
So I said encouraging things to Ilja hoping she would regain her energy. I am very positive about life and always look at everything with a positive feeling. So even when Emma was in the hospital for the umpteenth time, I picked out the positive points and shared them with Ilja. But that had to grow.
At the beginning when Emma became ill, there was a lot to arrange. Suddenly, an army of people came to support us, and I myself have a kind of social anxiety. When I enter a room with people I don't know, I clam up. And yet, I've been a barber for 12 years and meet new people every day. How is that possible? So, we also got social support from the hospital. I really hated that! I had to keep telling them how I was doing and what I thought about it all. 'Yeah, fascinating,' I thought, 'just let me do my thing. Don't interfere!' But Ilja also kept asking me how I was doing and found it difficult that I showed no emotion. I was just very closed off and I was actually fine with that. I was there for Ilja and Emma, wasn't I? 'I'm ready where I need to be, so just leave me alone and my emotions too!' But in the end, I did change. I've become open and talk about everything. I express my emotions more and more and I notice that Ilja really appreciates that. So, I support her much more in that as well. I've realized that if you've been through a really tough time, or are in the middle of it, it's okay to let your tough macho image slip every now and then! It's also okay to cry along and say that you find it hard. Then you pick yourself up again, put on your tough macho suit, and be the pillar of support that your family can rely on!
CLENN