Mom, where is your sex?
As a teenage girl, I learned how to act “sexy” from movies, comments from boys and men. I discovered I was good at dancing and loved experimenting with clothes. Sexuality had become a learned trick that I thought was real.
Sex after you've become a mother
Or rather, feeling sexy again after becoming a mom. It turns out to be a difficult combination. On Instagram, I asked my followers who feels sexy now that they are a mother. 95% said “No, not at all”. Wow! That's almost every woman. And 75% even indicated that they sometimes have sex against their will. And yet, there's a kind of taboo on it. Still, we expect ourselves to want to get back into the swing of things between the sheets after those six weeks of postpartum time. Because everyone does that eventually, right? You're supposed to have sex with your partner at least once a week to keep the relationship strong, right? So yes, then it becomes a chore. Then you just have to make an effort, because your partner is there too…
We women have a lot to deal with, especially the expectations we set for ourselves. We're supposed to quickly get 'back in shape', pursue a career, be a good mother, and be a beautiful and preferably somewhat sexy partner. Is this still okay?!!! By the way, I'm no exception. I also fall into this trap. What if all this 'having to' is actually a killer for your libido? 95% of women report feeling unsexy and having a lower libido, especially in the first year after giving birth. Perhaps it could be considered a natural occurrence. When you've just become a mother, your body and life revolve around your little one. Milk is coming out of your breasts, your punani needs to recover from possible tears or an episiotomy, your body is changing back from size XL to what it was before, or well, in that direction. All of this takes energy. Not to mention the hormones flying in all directions and the sleepless nights. It's really not strange that you don't want a fuss around your body at that time. Right?
About three months after giving birth, I suppose it could be possible again. Technically speaking. Everything has healed, the scar has mended, and there's a bit more sleep. But then... I need to feel somewhat sexy to get in the mood. And I don't feel that way with my leaking breasts, little belly, and a mind still preoccupied with feedings. And not to forget, where do you find the time?! That last part sounds like an excuse, and maybe it is. Given the choice between sleep and intimacy, I really choose sleep now. And apparently, I'm not alone. 75% admitted to doing it sometimes against their will. That's quite a large number. Why? We've not been anyone's property for so long. We don't need to be dolled up, give in with our legs up, and always be available. And yet, we choose to have sex against our will. Why should your partner's needs be more important than your own? Or do you do it because you're afraid your partner might leave you otherwise? These are questions to which only you know the answer.
For me, it's clear. I have never, and will never again have sex against my will. It's harmful and besides that, you're ultimately not doing anyone any favors. Not even yourself. I do think it's important to explore why you're not in the mood or don't feel sexy. And maybe until you figure that out, you might not have sex at all. The question is: is that so bad? Should you expect yourself to feel sexy in your body so soon after the birth of your child? Maybe not. I notice that I'm starting to crave intimacy, but to feel sexy again, I think something else is needed. Maybe a night out, for example? To disconnect and 'unmother' for a bit. On the other hand, I actually just want to be with my kids. I do push myself a bit to do things outside the house without the kids, even if it's just for an hour. Exercise, visit the beautician, dine out, or whatever. For me, it's important to spend some time on my own or just with my wife. It gives new energy and who knows, maybe it will also bring back the desire.
Sexuality is something incredibly complex and after you've become a mother, it gets even more complicated. For me, the act of 'being sexy' is over. I don't want any more pretense. I want it to be real, from the inside out. It's quite a journey, which you can follow in my vlog series: Sex Back to Me. Watch here the first episode about being a mother and feeling sexy.
With love,
MARINKA JOANNE
