“I forced myself to eat. All for a child in my arms”
When I was in my late 20s, my life revolved around one thing: eating as little as possible.
Until the urge to starve myself was replaced by a very different, intense desire.
Anorexia creeps and lingers. There hasn't been a moment I can pinpoint as the definitive start. However, I was always very perfectionistic, afraid of failing and insecure. When I was twenty-seven, my relationship with my then-boyfriend ended. We had been together for seven years. I moved back in with my parents and returned to my old room. Even though it was my own choice to end the relationship, I still felt sad and disrupted. During that period, I worked full-time as a manager in a clothing store and whenever possible, I would go out with friends. Due to everything that had happened, the long work hours and quite a bit of stress, I lost a few kilos in a short time. People around me complimented me on this and I was very susceptible to it. "Maybe I can manage to get even slimmer," I thought. I focused on counting calories and moving a lot. I did eat, but very little. Just enough to keep my engine running. "I'm good at this," I would tell myself when the scale showed I had lost weight again.
I WANT TO LIVE
During a weekend away in Groningen with a girlfriend, I met Jordan. He was incredibly nice, but was I ready to fall in love again? He persisted in a charming way and something in me really wanted to know more about this special, fun, handsome guy. He was different from what I was used to and that made me a bit insecure. Slowly but surely, I didn't want to rush things. The advantage was definitely that he lived in Groningen and I lived in Hengelo. We could get to know each other 'calmly'. The fact that we lived further apart meant that from day one we called each other every day. And yes, I fell in love with him, deeply in love. After a year and a half of traveling back and forth, I decided to move to Groningen to move in together. Then things quickly went downhill. I had a new job, but had to get used to my new life. I felt like I had little control anymore and I threw myself into eating as little as possible with as few calories as possible. I had an app where I looked up how many calories were in food and I was only allowed to eat at certain times. I also had to move a lot, a lot to burn everything off again. For Jordan and those around me, this process was gradual and I got angry when he or someone mentioned my eating behavior. By now, the outside world could also see that things were not going well with me. I remember standing in the bathroom once when Jordan's parents were there. His father said, 'She's getting very thin!' It flattered my eating disorder enormously. But I didn't pay much attention to it. Physically and mentally, I was deteriorating. Everything revolved around the planning of my eating disorder. Nothing could be spontaneous anymore and working was out of the question. I was starting to look like a hermit. I was only allowed to eat at set times. Physically and mentally, I was deteriorating. I remember it as if it were yesterday when I was sitting on the couch on our houseboat thinking, 'I can't and don't want to do this any longer. I want to live!' From then on, everything happened very quickly. I sought help and, on the advice of the psychologist, chose to be admitted to a clinic. I stayed there for six months. In the evenings and on weekends, I was allowed to go home. After I was discharged, things went fairly well for a while, but unfortunately, I had a short relapse.
LARGE FAMILY
From a young age, I knew I wanted to become a mother. Preferably a big, cozy family. I saw myself as the mother who would wait for her children after school with tea and biscuits. That's how my mother was, and as a child, I always enjoyed those moments. After coming out of the clinic, my desire for children was greater than ever. I was still not doing very well, but Jordan and I were very sure about each other. We both wanted to take on the responsibility of a child in the future. I stopped taking the pill to see what it would do to my body. At the same time, I was terrified of not getting my period again due to the eating disorder. 'If that happens, you have to leave me,' I told Jordan. I couldn't bear the thought of him never being able to become a father because of this. 'Never,' he said firmly. But what I feared happened. My period did not come. Because I was already in my early thirties, the doctor immediately referred us to the hospital. There, the gynecologist was very clear: first, your BMI must increase to be able to healthily carry a child, let alone get pregnant. My anorexia screamed 'no'. Afraid of losing control, afraid of getting fat, afraid of the unknown. But my desire for children was so much stronger than my eating disorder. I forced myself to eat more, move less, and quit smoking. It was hard, but it worked, and I took on the fight. After a few months, I had gained weight and my BMI was high enough to continue with the hospital process.
BLACK AND BLUE
Since I was thirty-one and my period was still not coming, we were allowed to start hormone treatments. At the hospital, they showed us once how to inject myself and the correct proportions, and after that, it was: have a nice day and good luck. At home, it was a struggle at first with the needles, mixing liquids, and tapping out air bubbles from the syringe. It looked like a small drug lab at our house when it was time to inject again. We made several attempts to get pregnant through this hormone treatment. But I completely lost myself, had mood swings, and my legs were black and blue from the injections. We had chosen not to tell our surroundings about our journey. So much had happened over the past few years that we would have felt it as too much pressure. One evening, we were having dinner with a group of friends. Halfway through, I ran outside. The noise and conversations were too much. I started crying loudly and said to Jordan: “I can't do this anymore. I don't want children this way.”
SEX. NOW!
In the hospital, we told another gynecologist that we did not want to continue in this way. She asked if she could test my blood values again. She had experience with my background, and this test had not yet been done on me. It became clear that hormone treatment would not work for me and that I would never get pregnant this way. To induce ovulation, the blood values need to be at a certain level. This was not the case for me. I was eligible for the Lutrelef treatment. This treatment is not very common, and at that time, there were only two people in the Netherlands who could administer it. It is a treatment where a device (similar to that of diabetes) is placed on the body. I had to inject bioidentical material into this device and then I placed it on my stomach. A small needle would shoot into my skin, and every 90 minutes, I received a small dose. Every three days, we had to move the device and refill the fluid. Again, we had quite a few items on the kitchen table. The big advantage was that I had no side effects because it was bioidentical material. Even though the fluid still came from a bottle! We were living in a bubble again. I had to go to the hospital often to be monitored, and mentally it was quite tough again. But to our great surprise, an egg began to grow. With each check-up, it had grown, and we started to hope cautiously for ovulation. Until the moment came when the egg was big enough that it was almost certain to ovulate. I opted for a Pregnyl injection, which ensured that the egg would definitely ovulate. No guarantee of fertilization, though. Then the gynecologist said, 'Go home, you're fertile.' In other words: you have to have sex tonight. Two weeks later, the time had come for me to test. I had done tests before, but this one was so much more exciting. With trembling hands, I did the test and then waited. My, my, how long that took. 'Yes, yes, yes, yes,' I screamed, 'two lines,' and I ran crying to Jordan, who was still in bed. We were so intensely happy, but at the same time scared. What now? I still had the device on my stomach. After the first ultrasound and knowing that everything was good so far, I was allowed to take the device off.
BUTTON OFF
I was closely monitored by those around me. Extra growth checks at the hospital and discussions with the midwife about how my body would change. But for me, a switch had flipped. There was no way I would starve my body again. Of course, I had difficult times. But I learned to listen to myself again and understand what my body needed. I even found my pregnant body beautiful. The great fears also stayed away. I didn't gain a lot of weight and everything was nicely proportioned. However, I was afraid of what would happen after giving birth. What would my body look like and would I still be strong enough not to relapse? I often received comments about how small my belly seemed. 'Are you eating well?' I gained about 6 kilos, but my little girl was growing very well and I took good care of her and myself. And then she arrived! On December 31, 2016, our beautiful daughter Lot was born. It was a difficult but beautiful delivery and our little lady latched on very well from the first minute. This was a big wish of mine, should I manage to get pregnant. But as prone to addiction as I am, this sometimes started to become a bit compulsive. Out of fear that it would stop. I found it hard to let go of control and let Lot decide what and when she needed something. But I had to, because that's what a baby does: learn a rhythm and then switch to another. Lot taught me to move along with her.
MONSTER AROUND THE CORNER
By now, I can also call myself the mother of a delightful little boy named Sam. He has just turned one, and Lot is already three years old. After two pregnancies and three years of breastfeeding (now 14 months to both children), I can truly say that I have deep respect for my body. I have overtaxed it and also made it strong and resilient again. You never completely get rid of an eating disorder. Occasionally, I still hear the monster trying. Then I listen, but I no longer heed it. Our children need a stable and healthy mother!
SUSAN
