How do you continue after your child has passed away? How!?

In my practice, it's a normal subject

Losing your baby during or shortly after pregnancy. Every loss of every child is one too many. Because I believe there is nothing worse than losing your child. And yet, I am grateful. Grateful that women find their way to my practice. Grateful also that women intuitively know what they need or don't need to be able to continue living with this immense grief. And sometimes that means you just need someone who listens to you, gives you tips and new insights so that you can move on by yourself. Without burnout, without divorce, and without panic attacks. For that, I am thankful. Because that is what I wish for every woman who has to carry her baby in her heart.

Elsa

Elsa was no different. Through various means, Elsa came to me. Often, an acquaintance starts off casually. "Isn't it nice that the sun is shining" or "what a cute top you're wearing" are common conversation starters for a discussion that's really about death. The death of your baby. Your grief. The loss. At the beginning of an acquaintance conversation, many mothers say they're "fine". Sometimes women even find it so difficult to shift the conversation to themselves that I start by talking about myself. About my own search for new life after loss. And then I always ask the question, "How is this for you?" The same went for Elsa. She shared how around 26 weeks pregnant, she wasn't feeling well. She was expecting twins and decided to go to the hospital for a check-up. She had asked her partner to go there as well. Once at the hospital, it turned out she was having contractions. Since she was in a local hospital, Elsa saw the doctors momentarily panic, until the head gynecologist decided to call for assistance from colleagues at a university hospital. Especially since the labor inhibitors were ineffective and the delivery was progressing super quickly. So quickly, in fact, that doctors from the other hospital came to her side.

Premature birth

After a smooth delivery, which in Elsa's own words was also 'pleasant and beautiful', her twins were born. Incredibly small. Elsa and the twins were transferred to a specialist hospital as quickly as possible, where fortunately there was room for both babies. The weeks that followed made it clear how both babies were doing. One baby was developing nicely. It grew steadily and gained enough weight to be within the norms. But her other baby did not. The situation of the other baby actually worsened. So much so that Elsa and her husband had to let go of their second child. After three and a half weeks, their beautiful little baby passed away. Elsa continues her story. She says that she was able to experience everything very consciously. She says that she has good memories of the time in the hospital, the time with her twins. And that after the death of her baby, she did everything she could to get home with her other child as soon as possible. With also a lot of sorrow for the loss.

Once home with the three of them, Elsa just continued on. She did everything that all other mothers do. Taking care of your baby as best as a newborn mom can. With a smile and a tear. She created a beautiful place in her home for the child she misses. So that she is always present with them. Slowly but surely, Elsa's normal life started up again. Her schedule filled with caring for her son and also with outings with friends.

Be strong

Elsa also went back to work. She went on vacation with her family and did a lot of fun things. Actually, she only did things that she enjoyed. Elsa told me that people around her thought she was strong and tough. They admired how she resumed her life. Elsa said she didn't think about it. She just did it. She felt like she didn't have any other choice. Especially not after people complimented her on how well she was handling everything. And before she knew it, almost two and a half years had passed. Until the moment Elsa got a new supervisor. He wanted to have a talk with her. About her development, her wishes, and ideas on how she would like to shape her work. It was a nice conversation. Business-like, too. And then he asked her how she was actually doing. Elsa told me that's when she broke down. From the time of her child's passing until the conversation with her new manager, actually no one had asked her how she was really doing. Elsa said it seemed as if her environment also wouldn't want anything other than for her to be 'just fine'. Just 'normal'.

Burn-out

The conversation with her manager changed everything. Finally, she could feel what was really going on with herself. She was exhausted. Burnt out. Couldn't go on. Tired. She thought that after a week or two of sleeping and resting, things would be okay again. This was not the case. She remained tired, dizzy, and noticed that she couldn't focus. The manager referred her to the occupational physician. And not long after, the diagnosis of 'burn-out' was established. In the conversation with me, Elsa shared that she feels she has managed to somewhat come to terms with the loss of her child, as much as that was possible. But that everything just happened too quickly. Even the good things. That there was just too much happening. I am grateful that she found me. Besides being a grief coach, I am also a mindfulness trainer. Mindfulness is the method to recharge your battery and recover from burn-out. Mindfulness has been scientifically proven and, fortunately, more and more neurologists and psychiatrists see the added value of a combination of treatments. Both conversations and mindfulness. Together. Without pills. With the goal of learning to feel your own boundaries better and then also to protect them. You learn to observe your emotions so that you take a break when certain emotions become too much. The effect of mindfulness is that people gain more control over their own actions, can focus better, thereby experience less stress, and can perceive a greater sense of happiness.

Soothe and relax

I believe that you can't process the loss of a loved one. I do believe that you can find a way to make it bearable for yourself. So that you can move on with life without guilt, without headaches, and instead with love and connection. I have a wish for all mothers who have to miss a child that they can remain standing while a hurricane passes by. You don't do that by bracing yourself. You can't make it by fighting. Even though that's often our primary reaction. That takes us a long way as humans, but you can't keep it up for long. The secret keyword is actually simple. And it's in that simplicity where the difficulty lies. The art is to relax with everything that comes your way. Relax when you need to cry. Relax when you're scared and relax while you're enjoying yourself. I personally find trees to be a beautiful metaphor. If trees were to stand very rigid, they would also fall over. So would we as humans. And yes, relaxing seems absolutely impossible at some moments in life. Maybe it's even impossible at times. For me too. I also need other people to remind me that the word relaxation still exists on some days.

LILY