You have given birth, and then there is complete silence

It all seems so obvious

Getting pregnant, having a healthy baby, and living happily ever after. Yet, this is not the reality for many parents. As many as 1 in 4 pregnancies do not result in a healthy baby. And that's not even considering all the parents who struggle to conceive or can't get pregnant at all. Unfortunately, the pink cloud is not a reality for everyone, even though the media and sometimes our surroundings suggest otherwise. And to be completely honest, during my first pregnancy, I was on that cloud too. I just never could have imagined being knocked off it so harshly.

Just over four years ago, our beautiful and perfect son Hugo passed away unexpectedly during his birth

Everything was ready. We were prepared. After a long and difficult labor, I ended up having a cesarean section. There, in that cold operating room, our son was born silently. We were in shock and hoped that he just needed a little push. But after half an hour of resuscitation, the pediatrician asked for permission to stop the ventilation. Everything in me screamed to continue, but we both knew that Hugo had left us. The silence was deafening.

Our world was turned upside down

For nine months we had prepared for all possible scenarios. Except for this one. I was deeply sad. Deep down I knew we would get over this and make it through together. But I had no idea how I was going to do that. Through trial and error, I discovered what worked for me and what didn't. I learned that sometimes grief is just there and it's pointless to avoid it. I had to allow myself to be sad and to reflect on the loss. It was a long road, which ultimately brought me a lot as well. Love,
pride, self-confidence, and strength.

Hugo taught me to look at what is truly important and to follow my heart

I decided to professionally delve into grief and loss and started my own coaching practice. I guide parents who have lost a baby during pregnancy or around childbirth. In addition, I give trainings and lectures on infant mortality.

I often get the same questions from parents

Every story is different, and so is every grieving process unique. Yet, there are also many similarities and I will answer the most frequently asked questions in my blogs. Because grieving, what is it? And how do you do it? Grieving for a baby you never really knew is different from grieving for an older person. You grieve for your lost future, while in the other case you often grieve for the past, for what you will miss. It's precisely not knowing what that future would have looked like that makes grieving for a baby so complicated.

There's an overwhelming amount coming at you in those first days

You have to make decisions about things you've never considered before. But this often gives you the feeling that you can still do something. Mourning often only truly begins after the farewell. When the silence becomes tangible and you have no idea how to move on. It seems like everyone else just continues, while your life stands still.

Take your time to do everything in your own way or in your own manner

The most important advice: do not compare yourself with others. It can be very comforting to read stories from people in similar situations, but don't let it distract you too much from your own feelings. It's okay to be selfish. Do what is right for you, regardless of what those around you think.

Try to stay in touch with the people around you

There are really people who want to do something for you. They just have no idea what can help you. Communicate that. When people say 'let me know if I can do anything', take them up on it. Ask them if they can cook for you or vacuum. Or anything else you don't have the energy for. Often, people are very happy that they can do something concrete for you.

Be kind to yourself

Whatever that means for you. Read a nice book, take a relaxing bath, or go shopping. Don't feel guilty if you haven't thought about your child for an hour. Sadness and happiness can coexist very well.

I will tell you more about it in my next blogs.

SHARK