Our address is secret…

Sometimes you have a day when you suddenly become very aware of things that have been the same for ages

There isn't really a specific reason today, except that the lady at the pharmacy said my address. She said my address out loud as a verification question for my name and date of birth, “You live at … in …?” It was a normal question, but I immediately looked around me. Who had heard the address?

Our address is secret

Not for family and friends, and certainly not for the neighbors, but our address is under an extra layer at most companies. Where you normally see your address immediately on the screen at the hospital, ours is marked in red letters indicating that our address must not be shared with third parties. Also at the town hall, the dentist, and other companies, the section with our address has an alarming notice to ensure that everyone thinks twice before sharing it with someone else. Today, it suddenly feels like a heavy burden, a tax. I discussed with the lady from the pharmacy behind closed doors why I was so shocked that she mentioned our address out loud. I told her about our family, our foster children, and the confidential placements. The fact that there are parents currently looking for our address, that the police have been involved several times, and that the judge has therefore decided that our address must remain secret...

Foster care comes in all shapes and sizes

From a voluntary framework where parents themselves indicate that they cannot take care of their child alone. Where, together with the parents, a search is conducted for a foster family and where parents can also express their wishes. Parents enter into a collaboration with the foster parents and sometimes the child even lives with the parents for one half of the week and with the foster parents for the other half. This is a very open form of foster care, without coercion and often with a high degree of cooperation. Then there are other forms, such as respite foster care for parents who need to be relieved occasionally, network foster care where the child can be taken in by, for example, an uncle and aunt or grandparents if the biological parents are unable to do so. And the other extreme from the aforementioned open form, is a secret emergency placement. In this case, parents do not know what is going to happen, even though there is already a lot of support present in the family at the time.

Children in the Netherlands are definitely not just taken out of their homes

Parents are given ample opportunity to cooperate, accept help, and show improvement. If child protection has serious concerns about the safety of a child, it can happen that a lawsuit takes place without the parents and that the judge decides that children must be removed from the home immediately. We have now experienced this several times and it is terrible for a child! One moment you are in your own home, the doorbell rings and someone unsuspectingly opens the door. At the door stands a family guardian from child protection with the judge's order, the proof that they are allowed to take the children to an unknown place. Often there is police on standby in case it is necessary. Police, strangers with whom you must go, your parents crying, screaming to be left behind, and having no way out. Often there isn't even time to grab a bag with your own belongings, for a child it is terrible. Such a placement is crisis foster care and in many cases, such a placement starts secretly for the safety of everyone. And we are such a secret address. For years our address has been secret and for two of our foster children, it will probably remain so for the time being because it is simply not safe for us and for the child if the biological families find out the address...

We have experienced a lot in the past few years,

threats, police escorts when we went to a hospital appointment, biological parents who were arrested by the police on their way to us, and even a situation where we had to be physically protected, but actually I've never really been afraid. Of course, you get anxious when the police come by to tell you what to do if... It's not a pleasant feeling when you're being threatened. It all becomes very real then. And yet, I've never really felt unsafe, until the last few weeks...

Nothing has really changed in the situation,

We are now dealing with an unpredictable mother who feels she has nothing left to lose. Of course, she does have things to lose, but in her mind, she lost everything when the judge bluntly told her that her daughter will never live with her again. There will never be a moment when a judge decides that the child can return. Until she is an adult, she will remain in foster care, and thus in our family.

A mother who has fought to the bone,

who really did her best and for whom it simply doesn't work out. Addiction and past weigh too heavily on her intentions. She is damaged and she just can't manage. My heart cries for her, but for the first time I am also truly a little scared... What is a mother capable of, who has already lost everything? There were conversations with the police to ensure our safety. We know what to do if it comes to that, but we'd rather it didn't come to that. I'd rather work with her to build a good relationship, a way in which we can work together, but for that she will first have to accept that her role as a mother will remain at a distance. We can do nothing here but wait. Give her the time to process what has been lost, give her the time to settle down and in the meantime continue with what we have been doing all these years. Take the best possible care of her little girl, tell her daughter who her biological mother is and that she loves her incredibly much.

The moment at the pharmacy,

made it very clear to me what it all does to me. It's not that we have a choice, this is what we do, this is who I am. I am a foster mother of beautiful children and I wouldn't want it any other way. But still, I must also remain honest with myself and realize that it affects me too. That my sense of safety is important, so I take the time to talk to the lady from the pharmacy, I explain without details, why our address must remain secret and I hope that next time it won't happen again. We have had a secret address for years, but today it just feels extra heavy. Today it feels like a burden and something challenging. Fortunately, there is another day tomorrow, then things will probably be better again…

FOSTER MOTHER