Ilse: “When our second child was born, my husband suddenly started acting strangely”

I will try to start at the beginning. We got into a relationship when we were young, from my 19th year. Nothing wrong with that in itself if it feels right. And at that time, it did. After we got married and had our first girl, there was still nothing wrong. Then followed two more beautiful girls. However, after the birth of our second child, a change began to occur in his behavior.

Suddenly, it could turn around

I called it changing, but tempestuous is a better word. If you said something, you couldn't predict how he would react. His behavior could suddenly change out of nowhere. Not just towards me, but towards the girls as well. It only took a minor incident for his expression to flip 180 degrees. From nothing being wrong, to suddenly being furious. Sometimes, it only took one of the children accidentally dropping something. After such an outburst, he would carry on cheerfully as if nothing had happened. Neither I nor the children could make any sense of it.

I blamed it on external causes

That went back and forth for a while. At that time, a lot was happening, so I kind of blamed it on that. We were renovating our house. He's not handy. If someone told him what needed to be done, he couldn't take it well. Then came the pregnancy of our third daughter. A conscious choice. I told myself that things would probably get better once everything was over. Fortunately, the pregnancy went well and the renovation was almost finished. Except for our attic, that still needed to be completed before I gave birth. Right before I gave birth, everything was ready, and I also played a big part in that. I was heavily pregnant, carrying laminate flooring upstairs. Yes, as I type this now, I find it ridiculous, but all so that the wretched room would be finished.

Four months at a campsite

After our youngest was about nine months old, we sold our house. On to a new home where a renovation was waiting for us. A nice challenge, because honestly: I love houses that are not finished. I enjoy building and decorating everything to my own taste. For that, we first had to live at a campsite for four months with the five of us in a caravan. Fortunately, it was during the summer months so it was very manageable. But it was there that, if they weren't already present, the deeper cracks in our marriage began to show…

I gave him time

“What do you expect with a family living in a caravan for four months,” I thought to myself. So I gave it time again. In September we moved to our new house. In November of the same year, I told him that things couldn't continue like this, that he was changing a lot despite the fact that we were now in calmer waters. Then he turned everything upside down again, because no, it was never his fault. I gave him time to improve his behavior.

Do or die

At the time we went on vacation the following summer, nearly three weeks abroad, it was do or die for me. I didn't voice this beforehand, only to a friend of mine, because she knew where I stood. If I had made this clear in advance, I expected he would force things during the vacation and act exaggeratedly. And I had little interest in that. I wanted to see if his behavior would change on its own. But no, he had a better time with the neighbors at the campsite than with his own family. As usual, everything fell on me because, well, he was on vacation. After we returned to the Netherlands, I was done and I expressed that. It didn't seem to affect him much. However, we decided to go into therapy so that we would have done everything we could.

On to relationship therapy

He really let me down. Everything was my fault. I no longer felt anything, but of course, that was also due to his heartless behavior. I saw that the wrong way, I was the main cause of it. That woman actually saved me and then said that it would take time for my feelings to come back. And that was fine until my ex got through to me. The first thing he said when we were outside was: “I'm not going to bring so much money here every month to buy back your feelings. It costs me way too much money and I'm not willing to spend that”. Clearly, that was the last straw for me. I said that I wanted to file for divorce.

ILSE*

*This is a fictitious name, the author wishes to remain anonymous