Lilly (38): “My husband says it's nonsense, but I think he has cheated emotionally”

Lilly (38) is married to Toby and together they have a daughter, Tara (7). Over the past few months, Lilly feels that Toby has become too close to another woman. He denies everything, but Lilly sees it as emotional cheating. She wonders if she is overreacting.

It started off petty

When Toby talks about his work, I usually half listen while I clean up the kitchen or help Tara with school. He once mentioned a new colleague, Mila. Just briefly, as he does about everyone. There was nothing remarkable about it. But after a while, I noticed that her name came up a bit more often. Not excessively, but more frequently. “She had a funny reaction to my presentation.” “She apparently knew a lot about that old software.” Just work stuff. It didn't sound suspicious. It sounded more like he was enjoying a pleasant interaction at work. And Toby is not at all someone who is secretive or quick to push boundaries. That's what makes it so complicated: it was all incredibly normal.

They turned out to have a lot in common

When he mentioned that they both had pursued the same field of study, I thought: oh yes, that makes sense, that's why they get along so well. Nothing special. But sometimes their conversations went beyond work. Little things he mentioned in passing: "She knows the village where I grew up, she even worked there." "She also lost a parent at a young age." I know it's nothing, but it felt as if they knew each other. I really wanted that for him. Truly. Toby is a kind man, always a sincere listener. He doesn't have many friends, so if he gets along well with someone, I'm actually quite happy about it. But still, it doesn't sit right with me. I can't help it.

The app contact was slow

One evening I casually asked, “Who are you texting?” He said, “Oh, Mila is sending something funny about today's meeting.” Nothing strange. No tension. No odd reaction. But from that moment on, I did notice that he was receiving messages from her more frequently. Not excessively. Not hidden. Not with his phone turned upside down. That's what made it complicated: there was no secrecy. Everything was visible, open. And that made me wonder if I was just being too sensitive. But I couldn't ignore that it affected me how easily and pleasantly he communicated with her. As if it was natural to share something fun with her first.

They were small moments

Not one big thing. Absolutely no cliches. No lies. No strange stories. None of that. It was the subtlety. Like when he said, “Mila mentioned she went through a similar phase with her daughter, just like Tara is experiencing now.” Or when he talked about having lunch together because the rest of the team had appointments. Or that they “share the same sense of humor”. And yes, he laughed differently when it was about her. Not in love. Definitely not that. I don't know how to explain it. Just... warm. I didn't immediately feel threatened by it, but I did feel somewhat sidelined.

Toby is not doing anything wrong

That's the hardest part of all: Toby, in my eyes, doesn't do anything a bad partner would do. There are no lies. He is fully present as a father and as a husband. He's there for me too, and yes, even romantically. When I bring it up, he looks genuinely surprised. “Lils... really, she's just a friend. We get along well, that's it.” And he means that. That makes me wonder even more if the problem lies with me. If I'm seeing something that isn't there. If I'm jealous of something that's innocent.

But still, I keep thinking about it

I wonder: Where is the line? When does it stop being “just a friend”? When does someone share things that should belong in a relationship? He tells her stories that he sometimes doesn't even tell me. Not because he's excluding me, but because they happen to start talking about it at work. She shares things with him that are personal, but not too intimate.
And yet... it feels somehow too close. I know he wouldn't betray me. I know he wouldn't even come close to physical cheating. I trust him completely in that regard. But emotionally? Well. I feel that he is seen by her in a certain way.

Am I overreacting?

That's the question I've been asking myself for weeks. Maybe this is just how adults deal with colleagues they get along with well. Maybe it's all part of the package. Maybe I'm afraid of being replaced when that's not even an issue. Should I grow up? But maybe... this is exactly what emotional cheating is: not that something happens, but that it feels like a piece of emotional intimacy is shifting to someone else. I don't want to restrict Toby. I don't want to be the partner who says he can't have female friends. I don't understand it myself either. What do I want now? And what exactly is going on?

LILLY