Ilja: “I have been through so much with the father of my children, the only way out was divorce”
So much has happened! By now, I have separated from the father of Emma* and Demi. After a very difficult period during which I basically collapsed, we could no longer work things out together.
I ended up at the mental health crisis service, where for the first time I was truly open about my suicidality
The sorrow, the guilt, and everything from the past two years came pouring out. And when my dear friend committed suicide, it was the last straw. I could no longer take care of Demi, and really everything was too much. We decided that my (ex)husband would stay with his mother for three weeks, with Demi. Since I also found taking care of the dog too much to handle, the whole family left. We agreed on a period of three weeks, but it soon became clear that I was getting better.
I made progress, small steps, but still progress
The suicidal thoughts disappeared and on the better days, I could visit Demi. However, there was a hitch. No matter how different our lives had become, how much I was involved in therapy and my partner no longer had the energy for it... We decided together, during a session with my psychologist, that it was over. I never thought this would be my life. I would do things differently than my parents, prove to the world and to myself that as parents you can get through anything. Together forever. But after eight years together, three years married, two children and a lot of, a lot of trouble later, we were done. We considered it a higher level of love. Letting each other go when holding on is no longer right. At that time, it felt that way, but with a divorce, where children are also involved, it's always difficult to maintain peace.
I went to the beach every day to clear my mind
I cried at the sunset, I met new people and left a lot of people behind. I decided not to look back anymore, but to choose for myself. I met my new friend three months after making that decision. For some people this is quick, for others it's late, but for me, it was just the right time. A lot has happened. I'm not going to blog about it in detail, because I don't want the wrong impression of me or my ex to be online. My ex kept our house, takes care of Demi for the most part, and I have started anew.
We have blamed each other a lot
We were really fed up with each other for a long period of time. It is what it is and divorce is just tough. I try to keep in mind that I'm doing this for Demi. For the future and for her adult life. If she can grow up without trauma, then I've done well as a mother. If she sees that dad and mom get along well despite everything, then she knows that we do everything for her. Even though she now has two homes, two beds, and two step-parents, we are her safe haven. And that safe haven should never be broken.
I immediately told my new friend the entire contents of my backpack
I shared all my troubles on the second date. Well, how do you respond to that? I don’t know. But the love from his side came unexpectedly quickly. We will have been together for a year in September. Demi and he still need to get used to each other, but it's getting better. The relationship with my ex is also slowly starting to mend. We do our best for Demi. For her. And even though I can't handle the care as I would like to, we now see her 2 to 3 days a week. Through acceptance, things are becoming calmer, and I notice that Demi also feels that it's okay this way.
The sense of missing is great when Demi is away, but my overstimulated mind is happy when I have the days to myself again
The accusation that I fail as a mother still lingers somewhere deep inside me. But I also know that I can't do otherwise right now. I have started with EMDR and it's a tough process. To the mother with struggles: “You are not alone”.
ILJA
