Rose (30): "My husband is 20 years older, and my parents have something to say about that"
I have been living with Gyan, my spouse, for five years now
We are now married and parents of our one-year-old daughter Veronica. As I write this down, it almost sounds ordinary. But according to my surroundings, it has never been. Gyan is fifty. Twenty years older than me. That's exactly why my parents were so shocked at first and had a hard time with our relationship. I felt that tension in every conversation about him. It made our relationship unnecessarily difficult. It was incredibly sad for me. Right from the start. Yet I persevered. I loved him.
In the first months of our relationship, I didn't even dare to take him to meet my parents
Really terrible. My mother has always been protective, but around him, she became nervous. She would say things like: “Rose, he's already so far along in his life,” as if that automatically meant there was no room for me. My father could be even more direct and said things I'd rather not repeat. It felt as if they saw him as someone who would take something away from me instead of someone who would add something valuable. I remember lying in bed at night, wondering how fair it was that I constantly had to defend myself. That tension lasted a long time whenever Gyan's name came up. It was actually never positive when it came to him.
My friends were open, but their honesty was sometimes harsh as well
They said, “Are you thinking about the future?” or “How do you see yourself when he is sixty?” They tried to protect me, but it seemed like they weren't on my side. Didn't they see how great Gyan was? No one asked me, “Are you happy?” or “How does he treat you?” while those were the important questions. In the end, I took the doubts (which came more from them than from me) with me anyway. I felt so calm and content with Gyan.
After five years, a lot has changed
My parents are being kinder and seem to really accept him, although not completely. Not yet. They try to be part of our lives, but sometimes their attitude still feels like they are keeping one eye on the future. Especially on birthdays or when they see Veronica, they exchange glances that I immediately recognize. From years ago. I notice that this makes me more alert and sometimes I jump to the defense quicker than is good for me. It remains a sensitive issue, no matter how much I wish it didn't play a role anymore. I'm afraid it will always stay that way.
Now that Veronica is here, the opinions have become even clearer
Not from me, but from them. My mother suddenly asked during dinner the other day: “What if he turns sixty?” So random. Suddenly, she put me on the spot. Very uncomfortable. My father tried to respond casually, but said something that haunted me for days: “I hope Veronica gets to keep her father for a long time.” It was in the word 'hope'. I found it difficult to shake off those thoughts, even though I knew they stemmed from their own fears. Not mine.
I myself do not think about our future in that way
I see the man who lifts Veronica as if she is the most precious thing. I see the way he talks to her and how she smiles at him. She is the center of his world. And so am I. I see how he supports me without me having to ask for it. That love weighs more to me than an age difference. It's just a number. Life doesn't give guarantees, not even with someone your own age. And I think a lot of people forget that when they look at us. Love is not an arithmetic.
I don't want to linger in fear of what might happen later
Of course I know he's older, I'm not naive. But what's the value of a long future if the years are unhappy? No one promises me that I'll grow old with someone who's thirty. The world doesn't work that simply. I choose a man who treats me well, who adores my daughter, and who shows every day that love knows no age. To me, that feels like the right choice. And it stays that way. If only others could see that too.....
Sometimes I try to explain to my parents how it feels for me
That I don't want to live out of fear. But it seems like they don't fully understand that. Their questions arise from love, I know that, but they still touch on something sensitive. It feels as if they never fully trust my choice. As if they think I am shortchanging myself. They point fingers at me, but even more at Gyan. I then want to say that they should look at what Gyan does give me. They are afraid of loss. So I stopped having those conversations. We will never agree. And that's just the way it is.
Of course I sometimes think about the future, but not in the way my surroundings do
I think about how Veronica will grow up with a father who adores her. I think about how Gyan wrestles and plays with her. I think about how our days go by now and how happy I am in them. I don't think in catastrophes or in ages yet to come. I live in what is now, and that feels safe. I don't want to build my future on fear. And I believe that is the most honest way to live.
When people find out how old Gyan is, their attitude often changes immediately
I'm so tired of it. They start talking differently or ask questions with hidden meanings. I can feel it in everything when someone thinks I don't know what I'm doing. But I won't let myself be swept up in their assumptions anymore. I've learned that I don't need to let outsiders steer my choices. What I have at home is real and warm. I see love every day. I want Veronica to understand later that you live from your heart, not from what others expect. I want her to see that love has many forms. Just like ours!
ROSE
