Despite my desire to have children, my husband made a drastic decision

My husband and I keep arguing about the same topic

Tim and I have been arguing about the same topic for almost twelve months now, without really seeming to understand each other. I want a third child. I've had this desire for years, but I haven't brought it up much for a while...

Mentally, I was not doing well after the births

After the births of our two children, now 9 and 12, I suffered from postnatal depression. The first time was terrible. I felt lost, exhausted, and completely unable to cope with motherhood. Tim had to take on a lot during that time, and I understand that period was very difficult for him as well.

After the second childbirth, I was able to recover more quickly

When our second child was born, things were different. Yes, I faced postnatal depression again, but it was less intense. With the help of a therapist and better preparation, I recovered more quickly. That experience gave me hope that I had become stronger, that I could handle it better if it were to happen again.

The desire for a third child remained dormant

Every time I look at our children, I feel like I would want another one. But the fear of a new depression actually held me back until a year ago. Now that the children are older and more independent, I feel ready for it. They can do many things on their own, which means I will have more energy for a baby. I also know for sure that they would love to help and would enjoy it tremendously. And besides; I am 39, if I don't do it now, it will be too late.

Tim has a very different opinion on the matter

Tim feels differently about it. Ever since I started bringing it up more frequently in conversation, he has been strongly opposed. He keeps dwelling on the tough times we went through after the children were born, and he seems determined not to repeat that experience. “Do you really want to go through that depression, that hell again?” he asks repeatedly. He doesn’t understand that I feel differently now, that I believe I am stronger and that I could handle it better. He seems to think that it’s inevitable that things will go wrong again.

I have the feeling that there's more going on

But I think it's not just about the depression. When I hear him talk with friends, he seems to mostly enjoy the fact that the baby phase is over. “I'm glad we're finally getting some sleep,” he says. Or: “Can you imagine, changing diapers all night long again? No, thanks!” And: “Finally, we can go on a ski holiday normally, this age is really great.” It seems like he no longer has the need for those first years with a baby. Maybe he really has reached his limit and just doesn't want to go back to that time with small children.

Unexpectedly, Tim said that he wants to get sterilized

The situation reached a low point when he came home from work a few months ago and announced that he had made an appointment with the general practitioner to get a vasectomy. And he did this without any discussion. “I no longer want to feel the tension every month.” He thought the risks were too high, even though we carefully plan around my fertile days. We both don't like condoms as an option, and I haven't wanted to take hormones for years.

He doesn't understand me at all

It felt as if he had made a definitive decision about our family life without me having any say in it. “Find another man for it if you absolutely want another child,” he said cynically when I protested. That remark hurt me deeply. He doesn't understand that it's not just a 'wish'. It's about a part of me that is still unfulfilled.

My wish will never be fulfilled again

After a lot of talking, I finally persuaded him to postpone the appointment with the general practitioner. I hoped that in that extra time we would come to a solution together, that we would find a way to understand each other. But last month he still went to the general practitioner and in no time there was an opening available for the sterilization, without my support. My wish will now never come true.

And now it stands between us

We hardly talk about it anymore, because it hurts too much. It feels as if something essential between us has broken, and I don't know if it can ever be whole again. Maybe my wish was too much to ask for. Maybe I've changed too much. But one thing is certain: I never thought that my desire for a third child would change our marriage so much.

LEONA