My in-laws just show zero interest in our children.
I moved to the other side of the country for love
When I moved, years ago for love, I knew it wouldn’t be easy. My husband had built his life here, his work and friends were here, and I really wanted to continue life with him. But to be honest, I never imagined it would be so hard to find my footing. My family had always been so close, both literally and figuratively. Quickly cycling by my parents’ place after work, having a cup of coffee, or spending an afternoon together – those were the kind of natural, everyday things that I started to miss terribly.
I still miss my parents a lot
By now I have a family of my own: our two children, six-year-old Kate and four-year-old Summer, make our life complete. And although I now have a job here as well and our life is fairly well on track, I still feel an emptiness. I miss my parents a lot, especially now that I am a mother myself. I would have loved for my children to have a close bond with their grandparents, like I had when I was little. How wonderful would it be if they could bike over to their grandparents’ house after school, if my parents could come every week to watch their sports matches or school performances. Unfortunately, because of the distance now, that’s not so easy. Of course we call and video call often, but it’s just not the same.
The role my in-laws play is incredibly disappointing
What makes it even harder is the situation with my husband’s parents. They live in the same city, just one neighborhood away. In theory they could have a close bond with Kate and Summer, but in practice it’s really disappointing. I had hoped they would visit more often, or maybe even babysit once in a while, but they’ve actually never wanted that. “To each their own,” they say. And of course they’re right about that. Since they retired, they also regularly spend time at their house in Spain. I understand that too; naturally you want to enjoy your later years at that age. I think I would actually want to be with my children and grandchildren, but that’s a personal choice. But they also never call or text just to ask how things are going. And even when they’re in the country, the contact is hardly any better.
There seems to be total disinterest
What I find most distressing is the total lack of interest they seem to have in our lives. Take the other day, for example, when my father-in-law asked Kate at a family birthday party if she’d done anything fun over the weekend. Kate enthusiastically told him about her gymnastics competition, and he reacted in surprise: “Oh, how nice that you do gymnastics!” Even though Kate has been going to gymnastics class every week for a year and a half and regularly has competitions.
They hardly remember any personal things about the children.
They also keep forgetting which class they’re in at school and, for example, absolutely never remember what they like and don’t like to eat. “Don’t you like apple pie?” I hear my mother-in-law say every single time at a family birthday. It hurts me. It feels as if they’re barely involved in their lives, while they want nothing more than to be seen by their grandparents. And it’s not just that they never come to watch the gymnastics competitions, they hardly ever show up at anything that matters to the children. A school performance? Swimming graduation? “We’ll see if we can make it,” they say, but they never come.
The children are asking more and more questions
Slowly the children are starting to catch on as well. They’re asking questions more and more often. “Why do grandma and grandpa never come to watch, mom?” Or: “Why do grandma and grandpa never babysit?”, comparing it to their friends for whom that does happen. The most heartbreaking question I’ve heard was: “Do grandma and grandpa even like us?” What do you say then, as a mother? I always try to play it down a bit, to say that grandma and grandpa must be very busy or that they travel a lot, but deep down it hurts me terribly.
The picture to the outside is different
What makes it all even worse is how my in-laws present themselves to the outside world. When we’re at a birthday or a family gathering, they always talk as if we’re an incredibly close-knit family. “Our grandchildren mean everything to us,” I hear them say quite regularly. It feels like a slap in the face, because I know what it’s really like. To the outside world they act as if they’re involved, but in reality that genuine interest and connection are missing.
How can I best deal with it?
Sometimes I wonder how I should deal with this. Should I say something about it? Or should I accept that this is just how it is? The only thing I know is that I want what’s best for my children, and that I hope they feel loved and seen. But right now, with grandparents who don’t seem to be there for them, that’s a lot harder than I had imagined.
DANIELLE
