“At 20 weeks pregnant we knew: if it goes wrong now, we’ll be left empty-handed.”

1.5 years after Milou’s extremely premature birth, I’m holding a positive pregnancy test in my hands again. A bit earlier than planned, but no less wanted. Six weeks after Milou came home, we ended up in a second roller coaster because my boyfriend suddenly became extremely ill. It turned out he had Crohn’s disease, and it had probably gotten so bad so quickly because of the stress we went through with Milou.

My friend had just gone back to work when this adventure began

Another few months in the hospital, 16 kilos lost, in the end they had to place a temporary stoma and he had surgery to remove a piece of his intestine. Sometimes he was so ill that he couldn’t even handle our visits and just lay in a dark room, waiting for the time to pass. He had only just gone back to working full-time when this whole adventure started again. Hopefully this time without stress. After all, we never really knew the reason for the premature birth—maybe just bad luck, maybe a minor infection. But we were always told that we would never make it to 37 weeks. Still, we thought, anything is better than 26 weeks.

If things went wrong again, at least we were in good hands.

Because of the premature birth that took place at the Maxima MC in Veldhoven, we decided to go back there for check‑ups for at least the first few months. The idea was that if something went wrong again, at least they would already be familiar with our case there. That felt much more reassuring to us, even though it was a half‑hour drive there and back each time.

With Milou I always had the feeling that something would go wrong; this time I had confidence.

The first 20 weeks went by. I felt good, my belly was growing, and whereas with Milou I always had the feeling that ‘something’ was going to go wrong, this time I had more confidence. Every 2 weeks I had a check-up; they looked at our second daughter and measured my cervix. As long as it was 4 cm, we were okay!

Unfortunately, there we went again

On Thursday morning, February 24, we quickly went by bike to buy the last things for Carnival, which would kick off the next day. In the afternoon we had a quick check-up, and then Carnival could really start again after being absent the past few years. But unfortunately, there we went again… My cervix was 2.5 cm, which led the gynecologist to advise me to stay in bed for at least 2 weeks. The next day we had to come back to see whether it was just a snapshot or if there was any improvement. But the next day it was still a bit shortened.

If it goes wrong now, we’ll be left empty-handed.

We were only 20 weeks pregnant, so we were all too aware that if things went wrong now, we’d be left with nothing. And besides – those 26 weeks with Milou, where she thankfully came through it amazingly – are unfortunately no guarantee that it will turn out the same way next time. So we were really hoping to leave that stage far behind us as well.

I no longer dared to walk or sit for long

With a lot of sadness and uncertainty, we got through the weeks that followed. In the first weeks after the scan, I hardly dared to walk and avoided sitting at the table for too long to eat. Caring for Milou simply continued, but fortunately she could walk and climb the stairs by herself, which meant I didn’t have to carry her all the time. Our family was also able to come by often to relieve me and make sure I could take things as easy as possible.

Sometimes we couldn’t be happy about the things that did go well

After that first ‘bad’ ultrasound, we had weekly checkups until 28 weeks. At every scan they of course looked at our little girl, but our main focus was on the cervix. We even said to each other that we really should be happy that things kept going well with her too. Even though we did have that confidence, it faded very much into the background because the cervix was so important.

A bright spot on Milou’s birthday

On Milou’s 2nd birthday we had a check-up in the morning and, in consultation with and with the approval of the gynecologist, we were allowed to go and do something fun. We went to the zoo, close to the hospital, and there we could get a wheelchair. That way we still tried to do something enjoyable within the limits. At every check-up the cervix turned out to be stably shortened, so after 28 weeks the ultrasounds were scheduled every other week again.

It flipped again; trembling from stress and flashbacks, we sat waiting for the result.

At 30 weeks we went back to the hospital feeling confident. But unfortunately, it had shortened again; 1.8 cm. We were immediately sent for a fetal fibronectin test. Using a swab, some vaginal fluid was taken to look for a certain concentration of protein that indicates whether I have an increased chance of giving birth within a week. Shaking from stress and flashbacks of the preterm birth, we had to wait an hour for the result.

It seemed to be going well for a moment, until that one inspection

Fortunately it was negative, so we were allowed to go home again. Back to weekly check‑ups, so stressful: one time the cervix had actually gotten a bit longer again than the previous time, but luckily it never got shorter. Up until 33 weeks, my sister thought she’d ‘just’ come along to an appointment because my boyfriend couldn’t. 1.5 cm and a positive fibronectin test. So I was admitted and given lung‑maturing injections again because I wasn’t 34 weeks yet.

After 34 weeks they no longer tried to stop the labor

Where at first we were told that if the test came back positive you would definitely give birth within a week, we were later told that it meant an increased risk of 10%. Quite a difference. After 2 nights in the hospital I was allowed to go home again to wait it out there. After 34 weeks they also no longer try to stop a delivery.

The well-known ‘white coat blood pressure’ struck again

From 34 weeks on we were transferred to another hospital 5 minutes away from us. Every week we had another ultrasound. My blood pressure was also measured each time; because of the trauma from the previous pregnancy, I could feel in every part of my body that the stress kicked in as soon as I entered the hospital for a check-up. The familiar ‘white coat blood pressure’. Every time I had to hand in a urine sample again because they were afraid of preeclampsia. Fortunately, that never became an issue. We had also already reached a term we never thought we would get to at all after everything that had happened again.

Intrahepatic cholestasis of pregnancy, just what I needed on top of everything else.

At 36 weeks I especially noticed in the evenings that I was getting itchy hands and feet. After bringing this up with the gynecologist, I had to have blood drawn right away and they would call me later that day with the results. Next setback: intrahepatic cholestasis of pregnancy. How is it even possible that my body reacts so badly to being pregnant?

Crying, I asked whether it wouldn’t be better to take her out.

The next day we called the gynecologist again, and through my tears I asked whether it wouldn’t just be better to take her out. After all, we were already 10 weeks further along than the previous time, and if it would be dangerous for our little girl, maybe she should just be taken out. We were assured that with the right medication it was safe to leave her where she was, and because of a previous C‑section they also wouldn’t be keen on inducing me.

Finally I could live ‘normally’ again

We had also agreed that from 36 weeks on I would just start living normally again. Doing nice things again, simple things like being able to ride my bike with Milou to get an ice cream. After lying down as much as possible for 16 weeks, that was wonderful. We even went to a Guus Meeuwis concert, and we did everything with the hospital bag and maxi-cosi in the car in case the time came.

They always said I wouldn’t make it to 37 weeks of pregnancy

I made it to my baby shower and was able to have a belly cast made. I ticked off week after week. It felt like it would never end. When you’ve always been told I wouldn’t make it to 37 weeks and then you go past that, it feels like an eternity. I’ve had the feeling of being ‘done’ with it, and ready to meet our little girl. All things that we didn’t get to experience last time.

I called the maternity ward to ask when we were allowed to come

On 10 July 2022, one day before my due date, I felt a light sort of menstrual cramp at 7:30 p.m. I put Milou to bed and felt it again, gave her a big hug and realized that her life was about to change as well. We had to decide together with the maternity nurse when we should come in. But with a cramp every 20 minutes, it wasn’t time yet. We watched some more TV and at 10:20 p.m. I called to ask when the moment would be that we were allowed to come. “Contractions every 5 minutes for an hour” and “Take a shower, that will either intensify the contractions or ease them.” No sooner said than done. With the first drops of water on my shoulders my waters broke and I had a contraction every 2 minutes.

Now it really has begun

At 10:50 p.m. I came back downstairs, sighing, with the announcement that it had really started now. My mother was called to stay at home with Milou and at 11:15 p.m. we parked the car. With a contraction every 2 minutes I thought I’d better walk to the ward; the idea of a wheelchair didn’t even cross my mind. At 11:30 p.m. I was lying on a bed in the maternity ward and we discussed my wishes; I really wanted a water birth. They said they would get everything ready and that the midwife would come soon to see how far I was dilated.

Half an hour after arriving, it turned out I was already 10 centimeters dilated

At 11:45 p.m. the midwife arrived and it turned out I was already 10 cm dilated. So no water birth anymore, there just wasn’t time for that, which was a pity but it is what it is. We know all too well that things often turn out very differently from what you hope. But after 12 minutes and 4 pushes, our daughter Maxime was already born. So quick and so easy. It was really wonderful to be able to experience this as well after everything that happened last time.

MICHELLE