After five years, it was time to read the pregnancy test from our last ICSI attempt

Some things you just know for sure. I wanted to become a mother

No doubt about it. Until you accidentally find out at 23 that it's not going to be a given.

An inflammation of the ovary threw a wrench in the works. It was so severe that fertility could be lost. Fortunately, it was a false alarm and we got the green light to work on our desire to have children. Until my partner got checked. Bad news! IUI and IVF were immediately ruled out. We entered the ICSI process as quickly as possible. The world just dropped away beneath your feet. What now? “We're going for it. We can do this”. The first treatment went well. Little trouble with the hormones and even the puncture I found manageable (which turned out to be different for many people, afterwards). We received a call from Tilburg that there were nine eggs and eventually three embryos came out of it. A fine final score, we're told.

The first transfer could be scheduled

Really thrilling! The transfer went well too, and we drove home full of hope. Until three days later, a letter from the hospital arrived stating that the rest of the embryos had not continued to divide and the tiny pea in my belly was the only chance from this attempt. The fact that this was communicated through a letter really knocked me down and made all positivity fly out the door. When I also got my period that weekend, it seemed like all was lost. It may come across as very exaggerated and intense if you're not familiar with this process, but believe me, it feels like it will never be alright!

Yet you continue on autopilot and plan the second attempt without recovering from the first. You want it so badly, so all reason seems to have flown away! The second attempt also went exactly the same. The only difference was that I was now on the verge of overstimulation and it was physically very tough. One embryo to put back and I lost it a week after the transfer. Deja vu!

After two years, we decided to take a break

At 18, I opened a clothing store with my parents, and in the meantime, it has grown into two stores. 'All focus on the shops and we'll see where it ends up,' I thought. Until a customer came into the store and told me about a clinic in Elsendorp. 'Could that be something?' I immediately looked it up after work and made an appointment. I noticed that a little bit of hope was returning! What a wonderful feeling! After the holiday, we were lucky to be able to go straight to the new clinic. A completely different vibe and approach than in the hospital. OMG, I even felt a bit human again instead of a patient. They redid all the tests and quickly found out that a few things were not right with me either. My body was not responding to hormones, but was actually rejecting them. That explained a lot! We made a new plan of action and got to work with it. Meanwhile, I was 27. According to the experts, my age was on my side.

The new attempt was very different. I received new hormones that my body accepted, and I certainly felt it! And so did everyone at home, haha. I still regularly apologize for it. I wasn't the most pleasant person during that time. Let's just leave it at that! Four eggs and three embryos was the final count. But then the same thing happened again. There was only one embryo that continued to divide. This time, however, we were politely informed in person with an explanation. Still, the disappointment was great. “You only need one,” I remember the doctor saying. Immediately, we switched gears and thought: “Yes, that's right! One is enough! We're going all in for this one!”

On the day of the transfer, we went in with big smiles on our faces. Everything was so different from the hospital and much more personal. “Third time's the charm,” we hoped. With that thought, they placed the last embryo from our final ICSI attempt. After five years, 1000 tears of tension, and 300 sleepless nights, it was finally the day of a positive test. Absolutely pregnant! What disbelief and what joy. “We are going to enjoy this pregnancy so much!”, we exclaimed. Things turned out a bit different than expected (as it seems everything does, haha) but you can read about that in my next piece: my childbirth story.

KIM