“This time it had to go well, she had to stay alive”

It wasn't really a true choice

It was more of a growing desire that became stronger and stronger. The longing for another child pushed the fear of what could happen further and further into the background. And the confidence in my body grew. Could it then be possible to become pregnant again and to remain pregnant with a full-term, healthy, living baby as the result?

Emotional rollercoaster

It was three years after our lives had been turned upside down by the extreme premature birth of our twins and the death of my eldest daughter Noa*. In those three years, we had experienced so much as new parents. Months of hospital visits, medical complications, uncertain futures, and an intensely sad and complicated period of mourning. We had been shaken up and thrown down hard, but also lifted by the endless love for our two super amazing champions. And it was partly this love for both our children that had made room for the feeling of wanting another child. Not to replace, but because deep down I was convinced that it could and should be different. A full-term pregnancy with a healthy, living baby. I was very aware that a next pregnancy would never be carefree again, but I wanted to go for it. My husband initially found it more daunting than I did, but when I became pregnant quite quickly, he too was overjoyed and full of hope. Unfortunately, this only lasted for 7 weeks, as during the first ultrasound at the hospital it turned out that the heart was not beating. And although we were prepared for so many things, having a miscarriage was not one of the things I had mentally prepared for. I was inconsolable. Hadn't I already been through enough with having a child? Sadly, I learned that with each pregnancy you almost get the same chance of it going well or going wrong.

Moving forward with confidence

It signified a new layer in my grieving process. It meant having to pick myself up again and regain trust in myself and my body. It also meant, fortunately, receiving confirmation once more that I could still get pregnant, and once again I could count on an incredible amount of loving support from those around me. And most importantly, this situation added even more fuel to the fire, making the small flame of desire for a child burn even stronger. About half a year later, I was pregnant again and although I was also tense during the first 3 months due to the risk of miscarriage, this time I quickly developed a strong sense of confidence. Of course, the fear would occasionally surge up with great intensity. During the pregnancy, I temporarily went back to seeing my psychologist, which helped me immensely to distinguish between my real and irrational fears concerning the further progress and the upcoming birth.

Around the 23-week mark, I noticed that my body and mind were increasingly reliving the experience as the time around the delivery of the twins was approaching. The day I was 24 weeks and 4 days pregnant, the birth term of the twins, was a very important milestone for us. That day, we went to the hospital with Eline, where she and her sister were born. We had an appointment with our regular pediatrician and together we walked through the corridors of the delivery rooms and neonatology. It was nice to be there with Eline, especially on this special day. We even visited the NICU where a father who was visiting his 24-week-old daughter approached us. It was intense to see him like that, completely in survival mode and with a vacant look in his eyes, because he had no idea what was happening to him at that moment. I was shocked and only then did I truly realize what an intense time we had experienced here with the twins. As we drove home from Leiden, an immense peace came over me. It felt as if nothing could happen to me from that moment on. Every additional day in my womb was more than the girls had had, and I entered the last trimester with full confidence.

A new phase

I increasingly enjoyed my growing belly and the comforting kicks from 'Sister Sunflower', as Eline called her sister. From the beginning of the pregnancy, I kept a diary to emphasize my happy and positive thoughts and feelings towards our new little miracle. It became a booklet filled with loving words and pleasant stories that gave me a lot of support at the time. My confidence in my body grew immensely, even to the point where I prepared everything at home for a home birth. I knew that I would be extra tense in a hospital environment and that there could be some reliving of past experiences. Unfortunately, a home birth did not happen, because at 40 weeks and 4 days I developed a fever and was urgently transferred to the hospital. It turned out I was already 6 centimeters dilated, while our daughter had not yet descended properly. My midwife took no chances and quickly informed the on-duty team about my history, and shortly after, I was handed over to the obstetrician. It was ultimately a tough delivery that fortunately did not end in an emergency cesarean section. However, I was extremely exhausted and clearly in panic at the end. It all felt like it was taking too long, and I was in a lot of pain due to the back labor. When Linde finally came into the world, my first reaction was: 'Is she alive? Is she alive? Is she still alive?'. Heartbreakingly, my husband told me later. Fortunately, I soon heard her cry and she was placed on my chest. What an intense and beautiful moment. And then I could also release so much tension, so much fear, and so many worries. 'She's here! She's here and she's alive!'

Invisibly close

We were very conscious about spending the postnatal period as a family. Dylan was at home and, except for the grandfathers and grandmothers, we asked everyone to wait with their visits until the baby shower, which we planned four weeks later on the birthday of Noa* and Eline. I am very glad we did that because the arrival of Linde felt like an earthquake to all three of us. This way, we had our full attention on Linde and could enjoy the postnatal period at home instead of in a hospital. Additionally, we could let Eline experience what life with a new little sister looked like and we could give space to our grief. Even though we were overjoyed with Linde's arrival and she was an incredibly happy baby, we noticed that a new layer of mourning was touched upon. I suddenly learned how it could also be; I was allowed to breastfeed and hold and cuddle my baby all the time, something I had missed so much with Noa* and Eline. At the baby shower, we celebrated the lives of all three of our daughters. Two girls here on Earth and one girl like a shining star high in the sky.

DEBORAH