Sally: “It hardly ever happens, my little boy Daen (11 years old) just still can't swim”

Daen has disliked water since he was three

That was not just a slight aversion, like many children who need to get used to splashing. No, Daen's reaction to water was pure fear. Especially splashes in his face were the worst. If even a single drop of water landed on his nose, he would start crying. “I don't want to get wet, mommy! Not in my face!” he would say over and over again, with that quivering lip and big, frightened eyes.

At age 4, I still thought: this will turn out fine

Children just need to get used to new things. But Daen was different. Bathing was a drama every night. As soon as I mentioned the word “shampoo”, he would start screaming. He would tilt his head stiffly back and clasp his little hands over his face as if his life depended on it. Even the gentlest stream of water was too much. He always had to keep his head out of the water and use a washcloth when washing his hair. Children are allowed to take swimming lessons at the age of 4, but I knew it was better to wait a little longer.

When Daen turned 5, I knew it was time for his first swimming lesson

Everyone in the Netherlands must learn to swim, that's just the way it is. With all that water everywhere, it's simply too dangerous not to be able to swim. But I felt that this was going to be a tough battle. Still, I signed him up. 'He has to be ready,' I told myself. But deep down I knew better: Daen would never be ready.

The first swimming lesson was a nightmare

We entered the pool and Daen immediately fell silent. Totally impressed. His eyes widened and he stood as if nailed to the ground. Around us, the screams and splashing of excited children could be heard. But Daen looked on as if he was standing in the middle of a horror movie. “Come on, dear. It'll be alright,” I said, giving him a nudge. But he didn't move a step.

“I don't want to,” he said softly, shaking his head

When the swimming instructor came over to take him along, he started to cry. Not just crying, but truly inconsolable. “No, I won't go! I don't want to get wet!” he yelled, while clinging to my leg. I felt so powerless. The instructor tried to calmly persuade him, but Daen kept shaking his head no. Eventually, she gave up. “Maybe he just needs to get used to the water first,” she said. But that “getting used to” never happened. Even when we went to the pool together to “just play”, he stayed far from the edge. I let the years go by.

When Daen turned 9, I decided it could no longer continue

He had to learn to swim, no ifs, ands, or buts. Not just because it was unsafe, but also because he was getting older. The longer I waited, the harder it would become. But when we re-enrolled him in swimming lessons, the old problems immediately resurfaced. This time there was an additional issue: he felt terribly embarrassed. "I am really not going to stand with all those little kids," he said angrily, looking at the group. Most of the children were 4 or 5 (a few 6), and Daen, with his long legs and broad shoulders, towered over them.

“But Daen, everyone has to start somewhere

This is just how it goes,” I tried to explain. But he refused. He wouldn't stand next to the little ones, and he certainly wasn't going to get into the water. And there I was, in the middle of the pool, with an angry boy and a teacher who looked at me helplessly. Every lesson I tried to persuade him, but Daen was immovable. He kept stubbornly saying no, and eventually the teacher decided again that it was pointless. “Without his own motivation, we're getting nowhere,” she said. And she was right. I couldn't force him to get into the water.

But what now?

How was this to continue? Headaches. Sleepless nights. Swimming was not just a skill, it was a matter of safety. I could already picture it: an accident during a holiday, a moment of inattention near a ditch. The mere thought drove me crazy. But what could I do if he flat-out refused? I couldn't just literally push him into the pool, could I?

At home, I tried to start a conversation with him

“Daen, why don't you want to get in the water?” I asked one evening, as I sat down next to him on the couch. But he just shrugged. “I hate water. I just hate it.” That was all I could get out of him. Louis, my husband, tried as well. He sat down next to Daen and calmly explained why swimming was so important. “You really need to learn, son. Not for us, but for yourself. What if something happens? What if you fall into the water?” But Daen just looked at him with that stubborn expression of his. “Then I won't go near water,” he simply said. And with that, the matter was closed for him.

I felt so frustrated

How can you make a child do something they flatly refuse? I couldn't just grab him and throw him into the water. That would only increase his fear. But letting him go felt wrong too. Summer vacation was approaching, and I was already worried. We had booked a campsite with a large swimming pool. How was this ever going to work out? I could already picture it: Daen stubbornly sitting on a towel while the other kids had fun. And me, watching with a lump in my throat, not knowing what to do. No, he didn't want to swim. And no, I couldn't force him. But what then?

SALLY