Linda: "My eternal struggle with depression, for as long as I can remember, the somber feeling has been present"

Depression is not unfamiliar to me

Being depressed is not strange to me; as long as I can remember, I've been suffering from it. At least once a year (usually around September and October) it becomes so intense that I also experience suicidal thoughts and feelings. I know that this difficult period will pass, and that gives me the strength to keep going. I've learned to live with it.

Dark clouds over my pink cloud

Now that I am a mother, and I am supposed to be on cloud nine, there is a dark cloud hanging over my head: postnatal depression.

After 'normal' depressions and a prenatal depression, I can now, unfortunately, add this variant to my list as well.

The strange thing about this depression, however, is that my soul feels gloomy, lonely, and empty, but my heart is filled with love. I can stare ahead for hours, get lost in my thoughts, and be overwhelmed by fears, but despite everything, I feel infinite love for my daughter.

Can you be depressed and happy at the same time?

This depression makes me falter and raises so many questions for me.

Can I be depressed and happy at the same time?

How can I explain exactly what I feel when I don't even know what I feel myself?

How many tears do I have left?

How can I overcome my fears again and challenge myself when I need all my energy to be a mother?

And why does it feel like professional caregivers can't help me with this phase in my life, making me feel even lonelier?

Functioning on willpower

I try to lead my life as best I can. I get up in the morning, take care of myself and my daughter, keep my house in order — and by doing so, I create a bit more peace in my mind.

I am trying to find answers to my questions.

I keep searching for something that helps me feel better, but nothing seems to change my mood.

Is this my normal state of being?

Meanwhile, I have reached the point in my life where I ask myself if this isn't my 'normal' state of being.

If depressions keep recurring, and if that gloom, emptiness, and loneliness are always — in the background — present, wouldn't it be better to accept that this is what it is?

Burying the hatchet with myself can bring peace.

Perhaps it even provides space to enjoy the little things in life more, no matter how cliché that may sound.