Mariska (39): "My child didn't want to go to school anymore, and the reason broke my heart"

The first morning that he did not want to

I didn't realize it right away. Children sometimes have a morning when they "just don't feel like it", right? But that particular Tuesday was different.
Mats, my 8-year-old son, remained lying on the couch in his pajamas. He said nothing, only that his stomach hurt. His face was pale, his shoulders limp. I was unsure if he was sick. "Come on sweetheart, we have to go soon," I tried, as I spread his bread. No response. It wasn't until I snapped the lunchbox shut that I heard him softly say: "I don't want to go to school today, mom." I turned around. He was very sad.

And then I felt something snap in my chest

It wasn't that he didn't want to, it was fear. I recognized that sound in his voice, that high, thin layer of panic that children can't fake. I felt powerless because I didn't yet know where it was coming from. As a parent, you want school to be a safe place, not somewhere your child is afraid of.
But at that moment I knew: this wasn't just a 'I don't want to' moment. This was something worse.

The conversations resolved nothing

I tried to get him to talk. Of course. At breakfast, in the car, before bedtime. "Mats, did something happen at school?" He just shrugged. And gave the standard answer: "I don't know." His father tried too. Mats didn't feel like talking. Only days (maybe even weeks) later, when I was lying next to him at bedtime, he said out of the blue: "They laugh at me." Mats cried and I held him. "Who, honey?"

He was seriously struggling

"Just... in class. Because I make mistakes when reading aloud." He turned around, face in the pillow. "And the teacher says I have to try harder." I didn't know what to say for a moment. That's not a smart thing for a teacher to say. Who says he's not already doing his best? And then she's basically saying that it's still not enough.... He's so young. And already dealing with performance anxiety. Everything in me wanted to shout: "I'm going to that school tomorrow and I'm going to tear that whole system apart!" But I restrained myself. I wanted to listen first, really listen, without projecting my own anger onto it. Because I saw what it did to him: his self-confidence was crumbling, day by day. My little child, only 8 years old. Already...

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Things were not going well with Mats. She said she hadn't seen it coming. "Mats is a calm boy," she said. "Sometimes a bit distant, but definitely not unhappy." I wanted to believe her, but somewhere I felt she was missing something. I knew my child.
And this was not just 'distant'. He was indeed unhappy. We agreed that she would keep a closer eye on him. Although I didn't consider this real help, I agreed. But in the days that followed, it only got worse.

He experienced stomach pain, headaches, nightmares

He was startled by the sound of the school bell and kept asking: "Do I really have to?" I began to doubt myself: was I doing something wrong? Had I pushed him too hard, not reassured him enough? Should school be doing more? Or us as a family? I googled terms like school anxiety in children, school refusal, emotional safety in the classroom. What I read was confronting: it was more common than I thought. According to the Trimbos Institute, about 1 in 10 primary school children suffer from school stress or anxious feelings about attending school. And that number has been rising in recent years. I didn't know that. But suddenly I felt: we are part of that ten percent.

The day I really couldn't see a way out

On a Thursday morning, I pulled Mats' sweater over his head, and he started to cry. Not just crying, really crying. His whole body shook. He clung to my jeans and cried out, "I can't do it, mom. I really can't." And I couldn't force him. I let him go and we just sat there together on the kitchen floor. Him with his head against my chest, me with tears I could no longer hold back. It couldn't go on like this. I broke down. How could I protect him from something I couldn't even see? And at the same time, I felt a primal force saying: "it's over now." I was going to figure this out. Down to the last detail. I was going to help my son.

That afternoon, I called the general practitioner, even a child psychologist

Everyone was understanding, but the waiting lists were long. Too long for a child who woke up every day with a stomachache. So I decided to do something I never thought I would dare to consider: I kept him home temporarily. Just to breathe. Just to find some peace again. And no, "that's not allowed", but my child really needed it, so I did it. In the weeks that he stayed home, something special happened. He started to draw. Not dragons or soccer, but classrooms. Little chairs, a chalkboard, faces with angry eyebrows. When I asked what it was, he said: “The teacher when she looks angry.” He hadn't made it up, he really felt unsafe.

At that time, we had discussions with the school, and the teacher was genuinely shocked

She didn't mean it that way. She thought she was helping him by being strict. And I understand that too, teachers have a tough job. But there's a difference between encouraging children and scaring them. Mats was allowed to work in a smaller group, received some more individual attention. Anxiety about school performance is common, but it often goes undiscussed. We think that children should be 'resilient', but forget that they are still learning how. And that some children need to be guided more gently, not more harshly. I only really realized that when I heard Mats say: "Mom, school isn't scary anymore."

Factsheet: School Stress Among Elementary School Students

• 1 in 10 elementary school children regularly experiences anxiety or stress about school, especially during tests and due to social pressure.
• 30% of parents indicate that their child sometimes has stomach aches or sleep problems due to school-related stress.
• Teachers underestimate the level of stress in students in 40% of cases.

It is now three months later

Mats is going back to school "normally". Not by leaps and bounds, but in very small steps. And I'm fine with that. We have a set ritual: a hug in the morning, breathe 5 times, and only then leave the house. Sometimes he tells himself: "Today is an easy day." I've learned that children often feel more than they can express. They are too young to put it into words. Fear is hidden in stomach aches, or in silences. I don't know if I've handled it correctly, but I have indeed heard him.

What I want to pass on to other parents

Don't be afraid to say that things aren't going well. That your child is struggling, that you don't know what to do either. You're not a bad parent for seeking help, you're brave. And let's stop comparing each other as parents based on grades, reports, and behavior. Behind every child is a story. That's why I wanted to share mine on Kids en Kurken. Mats is learning to read again without shame. Keep a close eye on your child... You know your child best!

MARISKA