My mother-in-law sabotaged my family, and she said I should be happy that she 'interfered with us'

I thought it would never really get out of hand

That it remained just minor remarks. Minor irritations. But looking back, I see that Sandra was always busy. Always went a bit further. Always got a bit too close. I've been with her son, Mark, for twelve years. We have two children: Thirza (6) and Jonah (3). I thought I knew what mother-in-law drama was. But what Sandra did, went way beyond nasty comments or criticism about my laundry routine. She interfered with things you should stay away from.

The postnatal week when Sandra took my place

When Thirza was born, I wanted just one thing: peace. I told that to everyone. Only one visitor at a time. Short visits. Don't pick her up without asking. Sandra did the exact opposite. On purpose. She didn't care about me. The second morning, she suddenly stood in the kitchen. "Mark didn't have time to make breakfast," she said. "So I'm here to help." Disgusting. I was upstairs. Breasts aching. Tired from doing nothing. And I heard her downstairs, opening cabinets as if she was at home. Mark tried: "Never mind, mom. We'll manage." Sandra said: "You don't know what you need. I do." And that's how it went for a week. We didn't want a maternity nurse, but to be truly together. She picked up Thirza without asking. She sat for three hours straight without a break. She gave advice no one had asked for. She told me I was "too cautious" because I didn't want the baby to be passed around.

When Thirza was three days old, Sandra took her from my breast just as I had latched her on. "Your milk isn't good yet, she's drinking too briefly. I'll give her a bottle instead." I was powerless. I was lying in bed. I said, "Don't do it. I don't want that." She looked at me as if I were a child. "You're too tired to decide. I'm helping." Mark was standing by. He said nothing then. I never forgot it.

When Jonah was born, things got even worse

I had made clear agreements with Jonah. No uninvited visits. Don't linger. Don't take the baby with you. Don't interfere. Sandra said she understood. But she did the opposite. She once took him upstairs "because he slept better there", while I wanted to breastfeed downstairs.
She said I was "producing far too little". She did that to make me feel insecure. She told Mark that she was worried about my hormones. And when I heard that, it clicked: this wasn't help. This was control. At one point she said: "Eva, I know you like to decide, but you have to accept that I have more experience. I've raised three children. You're just starting out." Mark was at work. She always chose her moments wisely. She made sure everything revolved around her. Her world. Her son. Her life.

De appjes die alles verrieden

At every birthday, every holiday, every day she was with us, Sandra made comments about the way I did things. How I talked. How I dressed my children. They weren't suggestions. Until one evening Mark had fallen asleep on the couch, with his phone still on. A message from Sandra appeared:

"I hope Eva doesn't make things difficult again on Sunday. She probably doesn't mean it in a bad way, but she makes it so unpleasant."

It was as if everything I felt was suddenly put down in black and white. I woke Mark up. I said, "Why does she say this? What are you telling her?" He was startled. He said he just wanted to vent his heart. That he meant we were tired. That it was busy. But Sandra had twisted his words. That was the moment I felt that Sandra saw not only me as the problem, but that she also used it to get closer to Mark.

The phone

I had left my phone on the countertop at Sandra's that afternoon. The screen kept lighting up because of Mark's messages. Sandra was standing next to it. I knew she was looking. But when I saw how long she stayed there, I knew she wasn't just looking: she was reading. When I picked up the phone, she said, "You don't have to snatch it away so quickly. I've already seen what I needed to see." "What did you need to see?" I asked. "That you're blaming Mark for things you're responsible for. And that you're not very grateful for what you have. I'm worried." What is she talking about? Did this really happen? "Sandra... that's none of your business." She laughed without laughing. She was a strange narcissist.

The birthday where she tried to humiliate me

Three weeks later, we were at Mark's brother's birthday. Sandra had three glasses of wine. She walked up to me where everyone could hear. "Eva, I hope you're going to be pleasant today. We've had enough trouble already." I felt everyone's gaze. I said, "I'm acting normal, Sandra." She said, a bit louder:
"You don't have to be so hostile. You know very well where things go wrong." Mark was on the other side of the room. I saw his expression. This was the first time he really heard her.

Visiting Sandra

A week later we went to see her. Mark said we had to. Sandra opened the door and without greeting said, "Did you say something to Mark again?" I said, "Sandra, we need to set boundaries." She sat down as if she was starting a trial. "Boundaries? From you? You have no idea how a family works. I'm trying to help you. If I don't interfere, things go wrong. You see that, don't you?" I said nothing. Mark did. "Mom... you have to stop. Eva and I are a family together. And what you're doing, it's making things harder, not easier." Sandra started to scream. Not cry. Scream. "You're being turned against me! You don't see how manipulative she is! She wants me out of your lives!" I stood up. I said calmly, "I'm leaving." Sandra shouted, "See! That's what I mean! Running away! Always away!" Then it happened.
Something I'll never forget. Mark said, "Mom. If you keep this up, we won't see you for a while." Sandra fell silent as if someone had turned off a switch. "You don't mean that." But we did mean it.

Sandra hasn't reached out for three months

We don't have an app. Missed call. Nothing. She didn't see the children again until Mark invited her to a neutral place, a playground, without me. There she told him: "Eva is not welcome at my house. I don't trust her." Mark said: "Then we won't come for the time being either." Since then, it's been quiet. Very quiet.
I think it will stay that way.

EVA