My daughter expressed a preference to be a boy

A real girls' family

In 2016, I had the joy of becoming a mother to a beautiful girl. Despite the fact that it was a very difficult birth and I never got to experience that 'pink cloud', I was head over heels in love with my daughter. My mother has five daughters, my eldest sister has two daughters, and my middle sister also has two daughters. I think it's safe to say that we are a family of girls. And now, I had my own daughter, my own little princess.

My daughter distanced herself from all things pink and dresses

Because my daughter is half Spanish half Dutch, I received a lot of clothing from Spain. Mainly all sorts of cute dresses with bows and frills. Of course, I also shopped myself and her wardrobe consisted of pink, pink, and yes, pink. I enjoyed the pink clothes, dresses, bows in her hair, cute hair ties, etc. This continued until my daughter was about five years old. Gradually, she started to distance herself from pink stuff and dresses. Her Frozen-themed room was too girly and not fun anymore. The 'sweet' girl faded and made room for a 'tough' girl.

I had more trouble with it than I thought

I am a strong advocate for developing one's own will, but at some point, this became more and more extreme. Anything that could be associated with 'girls' such as dresses or whatever was absolutely out of the question according to her. Every morning was a struggle with dressing because those pants or that little shirt resembled a girl's pants or shirt. Everything had to be very tough, and there could be no line, dot, flower, bow, pink, or anything like that. After quite a bit of struggle with each other, tantrums, and a lot of crying on my part, I slowly started to give in. Despite never having expected it of myself, I found it harder than I thought. It felt to me as if she was slowly slipping through my fingers and I no longer had any control over her. Of course, this is not the case, but that's how it felt to me.

We went shopping in the boys' department

I took her to the boys' section to go shopping. The beauty and joy she found in this is indescribable. I felt very uncomfortable, but as I saw her cheerful and appreciated little face, the easier it went. It seemed to me as if I was watching my half Spanish girl slowly transform into a boy. She has also repeatedly expressed around her sixth year that she would rather be a boy. She no longer wanted to be a girl and her long hair had to go as well. She has been growing her hair for years for donation, so for this reason, her hair could stay.

She wanted to wear her hair in a bun just like a boy could

She literally always had to have a certain bun in her hair because yes, boys can have such a bun too. As soon as it wasn't right or she felt it wasn't right, we had a commotion at home in the morning. The house was too small and there were huge tantrums with kicking and hitting. Sometimes so bad that she started pulling her own hair out. Because I wanted to keep the peace at home, I would get out of bed at least ten minutes earlier. That way I had an extra ten minutes to do her hair and redo it if necessary for her. I've often been called crazy, but at some point, I went along with it. Something I wouldn't have supported before. But when you see your child so troubled, you want to do everything to solve it. I thought I was doing it for her in this way.

She told others that she was a boy

We have had many conversations together about the situation. If she wanted to be a boy and she would still want that at a certain point, then that would be totally fine. She also told people that she was not a girl but a boy. Often people would come to me afterwards to ask about it. Because yes, she did look like a boy. I found this very confronting. I see myself as an open-minded person, but still, it hit me hard.

I expressed my support for her in whatever choice she makes

When she was little, I sometimes imagined that this could happen and I was certain at the time that it wouldn't affect me. This was not the reality. When I told her that I would support her in whatever choice she made, she seemed very relieved. It was as if she finally felt accepted. She has repeated this sentence often: “Mom, if I want to be a boy, you would be okay with that, right?” Each time my answer was: 'Yes, of course, darling. Mom loves you just the way you are! Whether you're a boy or a girl, it doesn't matter to mom.' To be honest, I've had quite a hard time with this.

She changes again

By now she has turned seven and I see her slowly changing again. She still has that long hair, but now she's allowed to wear it in a ponytail. She's gradually realizing that she is perfect just the way she is. Whether that's in boys' pants or girls' pants, as long as they're comfortable. If I now see a cool pair of pants in the 'girls' section' and she likes them, then she'll wear them. If I see a pair of pants in the 'boys' section', the same applies. In short, we now shop in a gender-neutral way.

We let her be herself

At work, I often hear how impressed people are with me, impressed that I let her be herself. Is this impressive? I think as a parent you always want the best for your child, in whatever form that may be. My child needed me in this way, other children may need something different. I did my best and acted on my feelings, did what I thought was best for my child. And whether this was the right thing? I hope so!

She taught me an important lesson

Recently she told me that she no longer wants to be a boy, but just a tough girl. Before I could give my response, she had already given it for me: “You're okay with it, aren't you mom, it doesn't matter to you. I know you love me anyway.” And that's what counts. Become whoever or whatever you want to be, stay who you are, then you are perfect. Her development is a very good lesson for me personally. Even though she is not aware of it, she has taught me a great deal in her still short life. I hope to learn much more from her.

JOËLLE