A miscarriage and then steadily pregnant, at least that's what I thought...
One happy Island Aruba! That's where I live with my partner Don, our two daughters: Mabel, who is 2.5 years old, and Nova, who is 5 months old, and our dear dog Amber. When I met Don, over six years ago, one thing was certain: he was going back to Aruba. Don was only in the Netherlands for his studies and had already planned his future in Aruba, also due to his family business. Well, and I didn't find him any less interesting because of that! I had always dreamed of living abroad myself. During my six-month internship in Suriname, I felt more at home than ever. So the fact that Don was of Aruban descent and was definitely going back to Aruba was more of a plus than a minus for me. I mean, Aruba, wow! Sun, sea, beach, the tropics! Who wouldn't want that? And well, he was in the first year of his studies so it all seemed very far away. But then the day came sooner than expected. On February 14, 2018, we emigrated with 10-month-old Mabel and our dog Amber.
When Don and I got into a serious relationship, lived together in Amsterdam, and started dreaming about a family, the idea of 'someday emigrating to Aruba' became more than just a fantasy. Because if we really wanted to move forward together and have children, it meant that one day we would take a one-way flight to the Caribbean! Having children was something very natural for me. What do you want to be when you grow up? A mother! I could (and still can) stare awkwardly long at a pregnant woman on the street, wow what a gem! I just find it fascinatingly beautiful, interesting, and magical. I would almost bow down to it. In every shape, type, and size. Beautiful! There's almost nothing more beautiful than a pregnant woman. In my mind, pregnancy was also the most beautiful period of your life! The moment to decide to stop contraception, to get pregnant, to see your belly grow, and to give birth to your child... It gave me butterflies. That was unequivocally my biggest dream. My calling! But when I met Don, the man I fell head over heels in love with and we wanted to have children, it turned out to be less obvious than I had always thought. In some way, I thought: 'I'll stop taking the pill and get pregnant in no time. Why not? After all, I've always taken that darn pill and had stress when I forgot it once, because aren't we all that fertile?' I hardly knew any stories of women who had trouble getting pregnant. On the contrary, I often heard that someone got unexpectedly pregnant, sometimes even through the pill! Yet, it turned out to be less true for us. After four months, I was still not pregnant and very disappointed. Why wasn't it happening just like that? I should have been pregnant by now, right? I had been looking forward to the moment when the time was right to stop taking that pill. I was so ready for it! And then to wait for months?! I felt like everyone around me was getting pregnant, but not me. At first, it made me very insecure, but over time my expectations were lower and I started to get used to so often being undesirably menstruating. I had a very short cycle and got my period every three weeks.
Time ticked away and a positive pregnancy test never came. After a year of trying to conceive and several fertility treatments at the acupuncturist, I went to the general practitioner and was referred to the fertility clinic. Standard tests were conducted, but nothing came of it. Of course, I had a short cycle, so it was possible that I sometimes missed an ovulation, but other than that, everything was fine. Somewhere, I found that very annoying, because if nothing comes out, they can't help you and you have to try on your own for another year. Trying on our own naturally became less pleasant each time, because I knew approximately when I was most fertile and then I 'had to' take my chances. Because every opportunity is one, and I didn't want to miss a chance, I couldn't. 'What if this time it works, the lucky shot?' It definitely caused stress in our relationship and made our sex life less enjoyable. Fortunately, we managed to find our way through this and our love for each other and the persistent desire for children was stronger. At some point, menstruations became more normal than a shock, but it still hurt every time. I became scared. Scared of not being able to get pregnant. The question I initially had 'when?' increasingly became 'if?' I would ever get pregnant... 'Winters turned to springs, summers passed, birthdays were celebrated but where were you? An emptiness I felt from longing for you, missing you without knowing you, where are you now?'
A fertility doctor only started treatment after something came up in the tests, or after trying to get pregnant on our own for two years. After a few months, the doctor suggested flushing my fallopian tubes. This could then resolve small adhesions and increase fertility for a few cycles. This procedure was anything but pleasant and for the first two cycles afterwards, I just got my period again. I had somewhat lost hope of getting pregnant on my own without a procedure and was secretly looking forward to the time when the IUI process would start. “Then I really have a chance,” or so I thought. I hardly ever tested, I knew my cycle was between 21-24 days and I had made a deal with myself to only test after day 24 had passed. But that day just never came.
Three months after the dye test, I was late for work for the second time. I was so tired I couldn't make sense of it. Until a colleague said: “Aren't you pregnant?” I had already told some people about our desire to have children. Laughing, I said: “No way”. Yet she bought a test for me during the break and sure enough, I tested positive at work. I just couldn't believe it. Finally pregnant after trying for over 1.5 years! I was working at the hospital at the time and immediately went to the gynecology department to share the news and schedule an appointment with the doctor. For confirmation, I also had to provide some urine for a pregnancy test there, but it came back negative! “Huh, how can that be?”. The advice was to test again tomorrow. Of course, I couldn't wait, so I tested again at home. Thankfully, this test was positive! The next day, the gynecologist called me and suggested doing a blood test to determine the HCG level, the pregnancy hormone, in my blood. I felt so insecure. I was so happy with a positive test, but so confused by that negative test at the hospital. When the results of the blood test came in, it turned out my HCG level was very low. I was already a few days late by then. This could mean two things: either I had a longer cycle this time so I was very early with testing, or the pregnancy was already breaking down, a miscarriage. Well, this was anything but what I had imagined my pink cloud with a positive pregnancy test would be like. I was scared! Scared to lose the long-awaited pregnancy. There was nothing to do but wait and see what my body would do. Don and I were luckily off together and would soon go to Barcelona. I could turn the fear into hope. I spoke to my baby about how welcome it was with us. I placed my hands on my stomach to make contact with him or her. Every minute of the day I thought about the baby and the days crawled by.
I hadn't seen any blood for a full week, so my hopes were growing and my joy was increasing. This just had to work out! In Barcelona, I was already secretly looking at the tiny sizes and we started to fantasize about our baby, our so desired little one! The third morning broke in Barcelona and unfortunately, I woke up with a lot of blood in my underwear. “No, no, no! This can't be happening. I'm having a miscarriage,” I thought. At just over six weeks, I lost our deeply desired child. I felt so empty, I missed you so much. Despite the sorrow of the miscarriage and the loss, there was also a positive point. I had been pregnant. So, I could get pregnant on my own! That also gave me hope. But I also thought: “Pregnant once in over a year and a half?! Do we have to wait that long again?”. I had also started with bioresonance, an alternative therapy. The bioresonance helped me a lot. There were many pent-up emotions in my body. Even my uterine area and my aura photo showed how fiery red it was there. Through bioresonance, cell counts, conversations, relaxation massages, and yoga, I started working on peace and balance. No more old, stored, and hidden traumas in my body. The woman who guided me in this was Lisella. She indicated that I was becoming more balanced and that the area around my uterus was much calmer. She believed that I would get pregnant again soon. And guess what? Two months later we were in Italy and I suddenly felt it: I was no longer alone. A few days later, I had a positive test in my hands. There was no doubt about it, it was a clear positive! The doctor also confirmed this with a blood test where the HCG level was sky-high. Yes, there it is, my pink cloud! Now my long-desired pregnancy can finally begin, the most beautiful period of my life!! At least, that's what I thought...
TO BE CONTINUED…
DORRIS
